Can We Choose to Fall Out of Love?

“I had the opportunity to better understand love – even the compulsive parts. It isn’t a neat symmetrical Valentine’s heart. It’s bodily, it’s systemic, it’s a hideous pair of Rams horns buried somewhere deep within your skull [caudate] and when that special boy walks by it lights up! And if he likes you back, and you make each other happy then you fan the flames… and if he doesn’t, then you assemble a team of neuroscientists to snuff them out by force.”

One of the best presented psychological talks… by singer and rapper Dessa.

Mary Oliver

9.10.1935 – 1.17.2019

All through my Reno trip I stopped at every bookstore that came across my way. After a couple visits, I kept noticing front sections on Mary Oliver – had she come out with another collection? The last I read was Dog Songs... and that had been years ago. No… I’d come to learn she’d finally passed.

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Aside from her probably most cited poem (above), I loved how she captured a single, present moment in her work – juxtaposing her inner voice with the external world around her, finding some simple example of nature as a voice for what we often find inexplicable in our own hearts and minds.

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Still one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver

What I love most in her work is the ability to acknowledge our own personal turmoil with the beautiful world that refuses to yield to it – and the willingness to invite and accept both into our reality. Some of my favorites from her…

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I’ve been pouring over my own favorites form her the past few days for some inspiration. Thought I would post them for my morning and to share a few good words to jumpstart the rest of the week, and the end of a (long) month!! ❤ 🙂

Reno-Truckee 2019

No, this is not a quirky evaluation of the life of Washoe’s finest, though I’m sure that’s probably more entertaining.

Life in San Diego continues to be the fun rollercoaster it’s been, and while standing in a clear crossroads with regards to the future, I figured a break was in order.

Wednesday the 16th had been a complete shit show, I remember. After an unsuccessful attempt to de-stress during Aerial Silks, I laid down in my hammock for savasana, channeled the Elizabeth Gilbert in me and made the snap decision to go home and check my flight miles and scope out AirBnB.

One hour later, I was heading to my friend’s place to grab an entire wardrobe of snow gear – more than I thought I ever needed. And then six hours after that, I was boarding a plane to Reno, watching the clouds and internally screaming at myself for brashly acting on impulse to execute a shitshow of a weekend.

I’m so glad I did.

Right before graduate school, I started a fictional story during my gap year – the majority of it written during a MASSIVE writing spurt in April 2012 (~130 pages). It needed the right setting, and I poured into relevant geographic locations in which Jane, Michael, Charlotte, Lena, Paul, and Rory would all meet, and resulting dramatic chaos could ensue.

The biggest little city in the world – Reno, NV – became that place.

I wanted the Sierra Nevada Mountains to be as irreplaceable as the characters that occupied it, researching its history from the 40’s til present day heavily, and describing it as much as I could using images and Google Maps. Before I had the chance to visit, graduate school started and… well, that became life for five years. And Reno stayed this abstract destination book-research getaway whenever I could.


Reno is right in between a dying industrial town trying to revive itself with a reinvigorated, contemporary spirit (i.e., what it was when I researched and with a few breaths of life). Casinos and old businesses sit cozy next to newer coffeeshops, pizza places, Patagonia outlets, and art pieces constructed here and returned from Burning Man to settle (Reno is where most artwork for Burning Man is made). And in the middle, the Truckee River flowed vigorously from the snow earlier in the week.

The next morning I walked along the Riverwalk over to Hub’s Coffee Roasters to sit and do what I’d wanted for seven years now: reflect and just write, for however long I wanted.

It felt amazing not only to write for six hours (the first three without WiFi), but to also feel like I was living out a bucket-list dream of mine. There I sat in Timberland hiking boots, wool socks and a beanie (both of which were afterthoughts from Jaime that became surviving staples of my trip), and a red long-sleeved shirt I pulled from my Mom’s closet on the off-chance that it fit; I felt leagues away from the paradise of San Diego or the flat country of Texas, and I’d never felt more comfortable in my life.

I was having a first-world moment, for sure. Which of course necessitated putting together a playlist by this point. This song especially hit a chord:

(More about music later, but check out my Moods page for my entire Reno-Truckee playlist if you care)

Hippie shot.

I spent the remainder of the day walking around the Midtown District, checking out the coffeeshops and developing arts and hipster scenes of which I’ve grown accustomed in San Diego.

I also visited the very first Sundance Bookstore, in a very cute plantation-style home with stairs and floorboards that creaked as you walked by. Added a ton to my reading list…

That night I decided to go out on another impulsive limb toward 1up Nightclub to see Sikdope play – another test of my ability to do things on my own. Once I’d gotten over the awkwardness of being alone… I went up to the front of the dance floor and just danced. Not 10 minutes later… I made some new friends 🙂 Funny how that works out.

truckee, ca

The next morning I woke up hella early and by the grace of my earlier Lyft driver, met up with someone with a 4×4 to take me 40 minutes up the mountain to Truckee, CA for a snowshow hike. Because the mountains were a crucial part of what I wanted to see while here, I was so goddamn excited.

My day in Truckee was the highlight of the trip. With an hour to kill in the morning, I walked through the main lane of downtown, taking pictures of the gorgeous sunset in my first time up in the mountains, and the first time I’d seen snow stuck to the ground.

winter wonderland hike

I caught a ride from my guides up toward Glacier Way Trailhead to hike up Donner Ridge. Not only were Chad and Nikki from Venturing Out the nicest couple, they also had the MOST ADORABLE Shiba Inu called Henry that accompanied every single hike. You go snow dog!!

We were joined by a military couple from Ventura getting in one last winter trip before their move to Guam, and then we were off up the mountain to the top.

Though the weather had graciously given a TON of fresh snow, it also meant the dense fog prevented any visibility, making the gorgeous views for us nonexistent by the time we reached the summit of Donner Ridge :(. It was okay though. Words can’t really describe how amazing it felt, really being trapped in a Winter Wonderland above the world. Though they kept apologizing for the lack of views, the whole thing was spectacular for a first timer. Though, a rookie mistake was not bringing water (woops).

Another test was eating the very, very spicy enchilada soup that Nikki made for us (I powered through), followed by the hike back down. When they dropped me off back in downtown Truckee, the lane was alive and busy with visitors and avid skiers enjoying the ambiance of the shops and coffee.

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california zephyr train ride tru-rno

The next best part of my trip – and arguably the best visually – was the train ride from Truckee back down to Reno on the California Zephyr route, which Amtrak boasts as the best scenic train ride in America. I believe it.

If I had to choose my favorite way to travel, it would be by train. The Zephyr dips and turns around the mountainous terrain, following the Truckee river back toward the heart of Reno. Traveling during the sunset brought an extra allure to my farewell to the Sierra Nevada Mountains:

While on the train, I’d jumpstarted my newest poetry notebook and also solidified my Reno music playlist, which I played on repeat the whole ride down while watching this beautiful scene play out in front of my eyes:

Getting off the train back to Reno was a weird experience, knowing I would say goodbye soon. I walked around one more time and then visited the Fleischmann Planetarium to watch a light/music show of Pink Floyd’s entire The Wall album. If you’ve never seen a light show in a planetarium, it’s… uh, fucking trippy. Probably not the best thing to do while completely sober and tired from a long day either. I definitely fell asleep for a good portion of it. If you care to see what it looks like:

I’d learned a lot about myself on this impulsive trip:

1. The mountains were calling, and I went. And I fell in love

2. I still don’t like the cold. But being prepared for it makes cold places fucking magical.

3. Magical places can help jumpstart change, but the real magic comes from keeping that magic in your life on your own.

4. Sometimes, one just needs to be away from everything they’ve ever known and relied on to see what’s still automatic under all the obligations and routine.

5. Despite all that’s happened in the past eight years, there is still a core, resilient spirit in me that refuses to die, and it’s about time to start listening to it.

Back to life 🙂 ❤

silent depression

7 Behaviors That Reveal Someone Is Silently Depressed

Silent depression can be very common in this fast-paced world. Of the (underestimated) 350 million in the world who experience depression, a large portion might not seek out help due to shame, embarrassment, pride, culture, or lack of available resources.

I felt a strong compulsion to share this article from Power of Positivity because it hits very close to home.  I experienced nearly all of these symptoms from July to September of this year: even though my mom had passed months prior, my mind and body were able to hold on for nearly seven months before I collapsed under the weight of climbing work expectations, managing my mom’s scattered estate, dealing with personal grief, and navigating complex interpersonal relationship stresses following my return from the Philippines. In addition to the symptoms below: I also experienced a pretty heavy dose of brain fog, which made it impossible to be productive for even a couple hours at a time.

Common symptoms of silent depression:

  1. Withdrawal from activities, work, or school
  2. No energy
  3. Eating too much or too little
  4. Trouble sleeping
  5. Substance abuse
  6. Faking emotions
  7. Workaholic

For me, not many people noticed – not right away at least. The lack of structure at work made it easy for me to drop off the grid, citing working remotely. I kept up with my social calendar as a feeble attempt at counteract these symptoms with a bit of extroversion. Being alone was crushing, but given everyone knew that “this year was eventful”, my “off-ness” seemed to be more or less normative.

I did not realize the extent to my own suffering until my absence from work finally became a noticeable issue to my mentors,  and I was forced to confront the fact I’d emotionally run myself dry. By the end: I hadn’t seen my office in weeks, my apartment was a smelly mess (I’m still dealing with pesky fruitflies that won’t go away), my relationship had crashed to rock bottom, I’d lost meaningful connections, and I hadn’t kept up with my finances – made more complicated from all my travel this year.

I had the immense luck of being around 2-3 genuine good souls to finally reach out to, even if I didn’t have a tight relationship with them right away. One simple conversation and coffee started a few more, and then tinier, progressive steps to getting the personal and professional support I needed. It’s been two months since taking a step toward mental health healing, and I’m so glad I did it.

A small check-in or expressing that you’ve been thinking about someone could be the difference. I know it was for me.




7 Signs of Silent Depression:

Brain Fog: A Symptom of Depression:

Greenberg et al., (2015). The economic burden of adults iwth Major Depressive Disorder in the United States (2005 and 2010). Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 76(2), 155-162.

Germany 2018

The highlight of my summer (which given all my travel says something) was a month-long excursion away from San Diego into West Germany and Bavarian country.

The original purpose was to attend the First International Spring School on Resilience Research, a five-day workshop hosted by intresa, or the International Resilience Research Alliance, housing twelve universities in Europe. I found out later the workshop was an intresa networking workshop for postdocs and trainees. So how did I found about it? A chance conversation with Raffael Kalisch on ResearchGate after stumbling upon his theory paper in Nature Human Behaviour! LOLS 🙂 What was initially a five-day trip turned into a nearly three-week excursion, with the workshop capped before and after with visits to Dr. Kalisch’s lab.

Whoever says that doesn’t work
OBVIOUSLY didn’t spark an international collaboration
and mentorship in a weekend!! #BOOYAH

It would be the longest time spent away for work – one entire month. I paid the big bucks to snag a premium economy seat and was so worth it: leg room, full meals, unlimited drinks and snacks.


I arrived 9am in Frankfurt greeted by Ayline, the friend of a postdoc colleague I met here in UCSD (thanks Martin and Natalie!). She was so nice, and her son Benedict was adorable! 🙂 She had an entire trip already planned at Heidelberg Castle, one hour south of Frankfurt. It was absolutely surreal, knowing that in the span of three hours I’d gone from sitting in a cramped business compartment to overlooking the German countryside from this vantage point:


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Ayline funded a tour of the castle – my first in Europe – and I got my initial taste of old German folklore and history outside of Berlin.


Heidelberg continued to be absolutely beautiful from above…

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…so much so that Ayline, Benedict and I strolled down into the city and had lunch out on the square.

I admit, I overdid it: a full schnitzel plate, cappuccino, and a heavy lager mixed with airport food = one TOUGH ride back through Frankfurt rush hour traffic!  😦 😦 I’d originally wanted to stay close to the city for a day excursion. Instead, I spent most of my time in Kelsterbach wandering around the tiny neighborhood looking for an open Apotheke for my stomach-in-duress.

Things I learned that day: Everything in Germany closes early, around 5 or 6pm, and there are not many commercial places to just sit, unless it’s a beer or ice cream with a group of friends who never look at technology.

What I did enjoy in this one night here was a lovely couple traveling through Europe. They’d been on the road for nearly 2 months with their very bright son in tow. We talked a lot about Texas and Avengers: Infinity War before we said goodbye – by this point, I was dead tired.



The next day I took the train into Mainz, where I’d be staying for the next week. The city of Mainz is absolutely GORGEOUS. Also small. I’d gotten lost on the way to my AirBnB and didn’t realize I trekked half the city! The condo was owned by a really nice and quirky (see her décor below) lady named Birgit who stayed in the living room while I took over her bedroom. She also prepared coffee and left it outside my door every morning! 😊

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I took the opportunity to waltz around a bit, using the city’s main cathedral as a directional marker.  Situated at the heart of the city center, you can see this looming tower from every main road. When I finally saw it in all its glory, it was stunning:

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Here, the traditional 16th-17th century roads of Germany still remain somewhat intact, surviving the damage of WWII in a way the streets near the hauptbanhof did not. Wooden beams and bright colors adorned the homes that lined the cobblestone streets. And everywhere were tourists and locals with ice cream in their hands, enjoying the warm weather and each other’s company.


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Nowhere did I see a phone or laptop out – public WiFi is a rarity, and overuse looked down upon by its residents. Here, the spirit of Germany remained firmly in its traditional roots. A part of me hated its inefficiency for an plugged-in, American, obsessed scholar like me. However, the work-weary soul in me reveled in the magic of a different world, at least for an evening.


University of Mainz

The second reason for this trip was to visit the research team of Raffael Kalisch at Johannes Gutenberg University Medical Center. It was part of a grant writing risk I took (and ultimately lost ☹) that would’ve given me $3000 in travel funding. For me to be eligible, the grant required me to establish an international mentor and visit their lab for one week, so who better to visit in Germany than the German Resilience Center, the Mecca of all International Resilience Research in all of Europe? 😊

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I was quickly blown away by the sophistication of their work, leagues ahead of the current and scattered resilience efforts in the States. The range of their research designs span from a novel theoretical framework, and experimental investigations of mechanisms, to large-scale, observational cohort studies in the community. Their outcome variables are a wide range of fMRI to biomarker data. I also witnessed the defense of an incredibly bright graduate student and celebrated with the rest of the team:

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I didn’t know that imposter syndrome could recur so quickly, but oh, it did.

For a little bit we didn’t know what to with me. There was a lot of work I wasn’t familiar with, and after awhile I ended up just speaking with every single member of the research team and listened as they spoke about their own piece of research. One such colleague was named Elena, who despite doing animal/mice research (suuuuuper far from my own area of work), I clicked with pretty well interpersonally, and we spent the rest of my week preparing for the workshop.


1st International Spring School on Resilience Research – Seeon

Kloster Seeon was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, and I was deadset on waking up at some point in the morning to snag a sunrise picture. Problem was, sunrise was around 5am, which made it quite challenging 😀 Luckily, Elena was a heavy sleeper and by this point a good friend. I got up early nearly everyday to capture this incredible view:



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Each day we sat down for a morning talks with leading researchers in resilience. For the first time I was also introduced to animal model research, which was great exposure for someone in data-world far too long. In the afternoons, we would work with 3-4 other researchers (animal- and human-researchers alike) to come up with a resilience related study that integrated our interests. Poster sessions rounded out further discussion of our work.

One night was a cultural night, where we wore or brought something that represented our culture. Before I left, I bought a contemporary alampay to wear to show off my Filipino heritage:

And naturally, I paired it with an obnoxious cowboy hat to show off my Texan roots:

The rest of the nights were spent walking or biking around Seeon, a homely little town around the lake. Luckily, there were many other German resilience researchers that I could latch onto to help me navigate the restaurants, as we were DEEP in the heart of Bavaria – it was very, very obvious that I was often the only non-white, non-German speaker in the room!

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Instead of going straight back to Mainz, I decided to spend the weekend in Munich. I was a little nervous, considering I was on my own again. Unfortunately, my AirBnB host was the inflexible and unforgiving type of Bavarian – I got to his apartment twenty minutes late, and climbed five flights of steep stairs with VERY heavy luggage, just to arrive to a very long scolding about punctuality, courtesy, and disrespect ☹.

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I made sure not to talk to him after that.

Besides my AirBnB host, I actually had a fantastic time.  I met with up with Sanne and Anna at Hofbrauhaus, the largest brewhouse in all of Germany.

I decided off the cuff to devote an entire dayto Dachau Concentration Camp. I’m really, really glad I did. Our tour guide was very knowledgeable, very local, and very… very… socialist, lol. I had the improbable fortune of meeting another couple from Texas on the tour – they did not like him. Surprising…

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It is very surreal to stand in the location of stories you only heard from textbooks and in historical fiction – horrors so distanced from your reality that you realize actually happened —  right under your feet. Dachau KZ was the first established concentration camp, and thus the first/central hub of the medical horrors that occurred from the Holocaust.

The remainder of my time I spent walking all around the City Center of Munich, shopping unashamedly for European summer fashion, and also a little bit of old Bavaria as well 😊


I snuck a few pictures of dirndl and a Weste Ricardo vest and other Trachten jackets, though I didn’t have enough courage (or spending money) to grab one of these awesome dresses!

One night I made my way to Englischer Gartens, a beautiful, green retreat that I wish I could’ve spent a leisurely jog through. Instead, I sat with the ducks and watched the sun set:


CRAZY PDA SHOUTOUT: In pure German fashion, there are few commercial places that open on a Sunday, and my only available option was an outdoor McDonald’s a block away. I remember this morning so clearly because, while I sat outside sipping coffee at 8am, the rest of my friends were currently at a raging house party (~11pm) hosted by my friend Alex; many of them incessantly messaged me about the fun times I was missing out on! Thanks Andrew, Tony and Sunny for the intense FOMO!!! 😀


University of Mainz – Part II

Returning to Mainz I had a lot of buzz in my head from the week I spent in resilience world. There was so much I wanted to do, but had to tell myself I needed to get the right foundation before I did.

This time, my AirBnB was a wonderfully spacious (and vacant) one-bedroom apartment on the South side of Mainz. It was farther away from the city, but right at the edge of campus. I enjoyed this setup way more – less cramped and with a GORGEOUS view from its living room window:

I spent the remaining four days catching up with each student about additional work, and also hung out with Elena a few more times. I also took the opportunity to shop, with a lot of fashion-forward clothing that I’m SUPER glad I splurged on!


As much as I enjoyed Mainz, I could feel right around the third- to second-to-last day that I was ready to go home. I’d exhausted most of the resources that were available to share in the lab and I was also running very behind on my work at home. As sad I was to leave the beauty of Germany, I’d also missed the company of friends, particularly those that I would’ve liked to experience Germany with me.




Suffice it to say, I was incredibly happy to see Nathan’s Challenger on the side of the road when I stepped out of DFW airport. I would spend one more weekend with him before I went back to San Diego… already June!

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